Are you breaking your children by holding them too tightly?
We live in a risk averse society, yet taking risks is essential for our development as humans. But, if taking risks is essential to our physical, social and emotional development then what impact are we having on our children if we don’t allow them the space and freedom they need to play, experiment and grow?
This is a question that is often overlooked in our society. We’ve become obsessed with the ‘What if’s of life’: what if they fall? What if they bump their head; what if they get run over by a car; what if somebody steals my child; what if they get dirty; what if they become ill? The list goes on and on and is often unnecessary. Despite what the 24 hour rolling news stations have us believe, society is safer today than ever before.
Now don’t get me wrong, I’m not suggesting you should be reckless with your child and send them out to play a game of ‘Curby’ (if you’re of a certain age you’ll know the game) on a main road but we should be assessing how ‘risky’ activities and free play are in a more balanced fashion.
Our ‘health and safety’ conscious society has insisted that we use ‘risk assessments’ for almost everything we do. Anybody who has spent time writing risk assessments will know that they are heavily focused on identifying the risk then putting steps in place to eliminate that risk, the focus is placed primarily on what shouldn’t be done. What if we changed this, what if we started by identifying the benefits children’s natural adventures have on their development and wellbeing?
Let’s take fire lighting for example?
As a child I remember coming home from lighting grass fires, face covered in soot, clothes stinking of fire, my grandma would ask, “Have you been swealing?”. I was never a liar, I just chuckled and she gave me a wink, ruffled my hair and sent me on my way. There are so many benefits associated with allowing a child to experiment with lighting a fire. In understanding the properties of fire they begin to experiment with scientific ideas; in collecting dry wood they learn about the importance of planning ahead; they learn about different trees and their properties, bringing them closer to the natural world; in building the fire they learn about the construction of 3D structures and how hot air rises and passes through spaces; in lighting the fire they learn about perseverance, dedication and focus; in caring for the fire they learn about identifying and managing risk; and in sitting by a fire, gazing into the flames they feel connected to something greater than themselves and connect with a primitive spiritual instinct.
‘What if they get burnt?’ I hear you say!
It’s still our role as parents to do what we can to ensure they don’t. We can only do this by teaching them how to safely handle fire and the importance of respecting fire, but to deny them the opportunity of a primal drive that leads to such rich and vital holistic development (while forging a deep connection with nature) is to deny them their personal growth and development. This doesn’t just apply to something so extreme as lighting fires, it’s important that throughout a child’s life they are trusted to take risks, play freely, experiment wholly and thrive independently.
It’s essential that we provide an environment for our children that allows them the freedom to grow. Nature as a playground provides all that children have needed for 50,000 generations, and our recent history of holding them tightly indoors hasn’t (luckily) been enough to wipe that ancestoral drive away.
As parents we only want what is best for our children, and in doing so we want to protect them from harm. However, what if we protect them too much? What if we hold them so tightly that we break them and harm them in a way that deny’s them access to their whole development and their true potential?
Childrens physical and mental health is at an all time low- we medicate children more now than any previous generation, that is not a legacy we should be proud of. It’s no coincidence either that children now spend less time engaged in free play in nature than ever before too. Being a parent is difficult but I believe that our role as parents is to give our children the best chance to grow, develop and fulfil their amazing potential. Sometimes that means being a courageous parent, taking risks of our own and allowing our children to experience the BIG w-i-d-e world for themselves!
Robert Louis Stevenson summed it up nicely over a century ago when he wrote: Happy Hearts and happy faces Happy play in grassy places That was how, in ancient ages, Children grew to kings and sages.
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